Believe me, this is a tough one, tougher than you might think.
I’m a girl, my favorite color is blue, my favorite fonts are helvetica Neu Ultra Light, Arial black and Green pillowww, my favorite animal is polecat, I went Mac and will never go back, my most important possession is a soft toy called the Lamb, my favorite drink is Mojito in different shapes, I love those star-shaped potato crisps, I’m a bit pedantic, I’ve always wanted a Jack Russell, I’m an occasional heavy drinker, I’m addicted to facebook, I use to curve my pinky finger when holding glasses and cups, I love pink pions. I hate butterflies and fish, in fact I’m deadly scared of both, I’m allergic to mosquitoes, my trip to Tunisia was the worst in my life, I’m a fillet-eater, I despise communism, I hate Winnerbäck.
And now, after the intense informationflow, here’s a story about the ground this amazing human being (me) is build on.
I’m Swedish, my parents Hong Kongese. Some people might call me a traitor, saying I’m abandoning my origin, my culture and my parents. That’s not the truth, not my truth. According to me, it doesn’t matter what colour your skin in, it doesn’t even matter that you’ve spent half your life outside the country you refer to as “home”.
It’s what’s in your head that really matters.
Sometimes, it makes me frustrated and upset when people force me to agree that I’m not Swedish (often in a rather insulting way) as well as when someone allocate me the label “Chinese”. My mom tells me that I shouldn’t pretend I’m someone else because your appearance is something you can’t wash away. She teaches me that I should know my spot in life and keep myself within that spot.
Well.
You’re all wrong.
Only I can decide and define who I am.
I might have been in a long, harsh identity crises for 18 years due to misdirected upbringing, cultural confusions and a constant frustration my parents sowed in me long ago.
But I’ve found myself now.
A few years back, I suddenly realized I’m not an alien. I stopped explaining and excusing my origin to other people, I stopped feeling bad for who I am. After the first step of awakening, everything started to come clear. I understood that I’ve been denying how Swedish I am. My valuations, my copia, my behaviour were nothing different from other Swedes. I could finally come clean, step out from the shitty closet and call myself Swede. Sorry mom, it’s not my fault that your country sucks, your people are disrespectful, greedy and lacks all kinds of critical thinking. And by the way, thanks for the upbringing that totally screwed me up. The philosophy I’ve learned from you left me lonely, vulnerable and totally awkward. The demands you made made me fall to the bottom with a cracked self-confidence. The gruel I had to go through every breakfast till the age of 6 scarred me for life, just mentioning the word “gruel” and the immediate taste the sickly thick, starchy taste is back in my throat. Thanks, I’ll never be able to touch that shit ever again.
China is developing, but not on the inside. No matter how many skyscrapers and brands have established and settled in the big cities, your core is still rotten, the core values of the people aren’t good enough. They’ve got a long way to go but right now, I can’t identify myself with an ethnic group that doesn’t share my valuations.
Enough with the criticism.
My first ultimate U-turn was at the beginning of upper secondary. Remember that my past way of doing stuff left me with nothing but a big slack of insecurity, the most evident sign was that I had no friends. On the first day at school, I decided that this was my chance to work on something new starting from scratch. I mean, hey, did I have anything to lose? The first two months was like returning to civilization and I had to learn to adapt to a world I’ve never seen but in fact always been there. At the end of school, I had myself a decent bunch of friends that were constantly adding up. I finally got the chance to taste the sweetness of life. By the way, the new school was called International College and had more English in the education than I could handle at that time. My lack of self confident didn’t only leave me with no friends but also the insecurity of speaking in public, when I started studying at International College, I couldn’t even handle a simple conversation. Reading and writing was something I could force myself to learn but the speaking was hard. There was a lot of pretending at that time, both with those I considered friends and that time and certain moments at school. It’s not that I lied to my new friends, I just pretended I was a confident person who was more cool and knew more about stuff than I actually was. I was shaking on the inside.
And then I went to Shanghai with my now closest friend Josie, bearing the dream of the greener grass on the other side; and it sure was. My veins filled with hopes, desire, life, I discovered that life could be amazing. The day we took off is something I will always remember very well. Most people would’ve been afraid and worried about the new life in a new world, some might also feel a heavy dose of sorrow in their hears for leaving beloved ones and their now disappearing comfort zone.
All I felt was hope, excitement and relief.
I knew that I, for the first time in my life, got to chose my own path and also take the consequences of it. I was no longer just a piece in the game called my mother’s life. This might seem harsh but a necessary in the process of making my mother accept me as an individual, not a part of her.
Life begun.
What happened in Shanghai deserves a book dedicated to the memories we had. Or I might just keep them to myself.
Sometime during my second year at upper secondary. I realized I wanted to work with advertising. I’ve always like arts even though my mom has repeatedly convinced me that I was no good. Since the day I realized I liked advertising, I’ve aimed for that. Even though I spent 2 years in Shanghai and Australia, I’ve been preparing for that mentally. I’ve also gotten myself a better understanding of the business, the market and involved myself in the new ways of thinking.
After 5 years of preparations, I was finally ready and got accepted to a school in Gothenburg, styding Advertising and Marketing. My hard work finally paid off.
Until today, my parents still don’t appreciate nor understand my choice of path. They think I’m wasting my time on a childish dream, they tell me to get real. There might be some really successful people doing economics and medicine among people you know but that’s not me. Forcing me to do something I can’t identify myself with would kill me. And honestly, most of the Chinese kids I know don’t really like or know what they are doing. The problem is that they don’t even know what they want out of life.
I’m glad I am not them.
I don’t need you to understand the big perspective now. I know that time will prove you wrong.
My journey has been mainly mental even though I have changed to countless of locations for the past 3 years. I’ve not only found myself, I’ve also found confidence, critical thinking and lots of great, inspiring people along the road.
Right now, I’m preparing for changes that will apply to my near future. That might involve a change of geographical location for a certain time.
I’m not worried, life is full of surprises.
And life starts at the end of your comfort zone.
