First of all.
What is love?
You can say I’ve loved every single person that I’ve liked and had a crush on, at least at that point of time. Or maybe you can say I haven’t loved at all.
I am now preparing to dive into the bottomless hole of the definition of love.
Some of them were people I loved but wasn’t in love with.
Some of them were people I’ve had a crush on.
Some of them just happened to be at hand when I was the subject of sudden desire.
In the movies, eternal love is often portrayed as I-love-you-so-much-i’d-take-a-bullet-for-you. It’s all about suffering for someone, sacrificing.
Some say you get butterflies in your tummy. Those freaking “butterflies” is a sign of anxiety and that ain’t cute. At all. I once forgot about my own name when I was about to introduce to my soon-to-be-boyfriend, now ex. That wasn’t because some silly lightning thunder struck me. I was just being and awkward.
I remember a Chinese boy in the same after school group when I was 7 maybe, I had a crush on him. Note that that was before I realized Chinese boys are rubbish. He taught me how to play football. Maybe that was love but most likely the infinite happiness and gratefulness I felt because _someone_ wanted to play with a dork like me.
After him, I’ve had crushes lots of people from the internet I’ve never met, people near me I didn’t dare to get to know, Ron in Harry Potter, mean boys in my class, Legolas and lots of other boys that crossed my path. That boy turned quite ugly after a few years when I met him in a random situation, he didn’t remember me.
I guess that every time you you fall in love with someone, you’re reborn and that counts as your first love, it’s always the present that feels most real isn’t it?
My first love must be my love for my mother. Before I turned 10, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep my life going without her, I wouldn’t want to. At that time, I was a part of my mother, everything she told me was true and she was the kindest person I knew. At that time, I wasn’t critical at all.
I secretly went through the procedure of my own suicide in my head countless of times. I decided that the easiest and most smooth way would be by hanging myself, the little I knew only dumb people would chose hanging. It’s heart-breaking just by remembering how much I loved her and how naive I was. It’s also sad the way it turned out, the contrasts. Today, I stay critical and careful to what she says but also what I say to her, I’ve got serious trust-issues but who can blame me?
I thought that was the way of showing love, being willing to give up your life for someone. Hah.
Right now I love my boyfriend, he’s amazing and I feel that this time it’s intense, it feels different. But I guess you can’t really compare. What I consider love today might not appeal to future references but right now, this is love for me. I love him because he loves me. I love him because he makes me become a better person. I love him because he takes care of me and makes me feel happy, alive and good. So after all, love is not unlimited sacrifice for someone else, it’s all about me me and me?
Love is not an one-way event, you always get something back. It’s not always love in return but there’s always something in it for you. Sacrifices brings you empathy, a sense of heroism and unselfishness. So at the end, those are stuff that make you feel good about yourself.
Now I’ve written a great amount of decent crap. Great. My super power is the ability of losing the thread and going off-topic, nuff said.
No matter how much confusion, betrayal and stuff I’ve been through, every realization and heartbreak makes me stronger and takes me one step closer to reality. Whatever that is. Reality might be someone really cynic and ugly, but that doesn’t have to do with what we’re talking about now.
I just want to say, I love my boyfriend even though he’s a nutcase. He is what’s love for me right now, that is my truth and my present.
But after all.
What is love?
